Hey, some real comics over there in S. Korea. John Joss just bought a
sportshirt made by a Korean firm called Heet, with these instructions:
For best results, wash in cold water separately, hang-dry
and iron with warm iron. For not so good results, drag
behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roof rack.
D'ya know to make a cat sound like a dog and a dog sound like a cat?
Cat: Douse with lighter fluid and throw in a match (woof!)
Dog: Freeze it, then put through a buzz saw (meeeeooooow!)
Well, you've all heard of Alzheimer's disease. Now they've identified
Waldheimer's disease. It seems you get old and forget you were a Nazi.
This Newfie is going icefishing. He starts to drill a hole with
his auger when a loud booming voice says "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"
So he stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again.
The same voice booms "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!".
So he moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice
immediately comes again "THERE"S NO FISH THERE EITHER!".
The Newf looks around and says "Who are you anyways? God?"
"NO I'M THE ARENA MANAGER!"
Why is Michael Jackson's new albem entitled "Bad?"
Because he couldn't spell "Pathetic."
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks,
"Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him
thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she
says. "Your face looks familiar."
"Do you surrender?"
"I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!"
"Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked."
IRAQI AIR FORCE MOTTO:
I CAME I SAW IRAN
Why don't the English build computers?
They can't figure out how to make them leak oil!
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are wandering in a strange land.
At the top of a hill they see a Blue Cow ...
Engineer: What a strange land we are in ... with Blue Cows!
Physicist: Well, one Blue Cow, anyway.
Mathematician: Actually, we have only verified existence of *half* a Blue Cow.
Q: Why do women change their minds so often?
A: To keep them clean.
Atlanta's sports teams are about as pitiful as one could hope. They
had a contest recently to choose a slogan for the Braves. One of
the entries read, "Go, Braves! And take the damn Falcons with you!"
From: email@example.com (gordon e. banks)
I saw a brain dead patient once (he'd arrested after shooting
amphetamines) whose family didn't want him turned off because
they wanted a brain transplant. The intern told them the only
brains currently available were from foreigners, and they wouldn't
want one of those, since then they wouldn't be able to understand
him anymore. Cruel.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (gordon e. banks)
When I was a med student we had a patient who suffered a
rectal laceration. The attending surgeon who was not known
for humanism, asked her how it happened. She replied, "well,
doctor, my husband, he likes it that way." Then she asked,
"So you suppose that's why we haven't been able to have any
children?" The surgeon said, "No, I don't think that has
anything to do with it." As soon as we left the room, he
turned to the group and said "well, now I've done my bit for
the gene pool."
Q: Do you know why the new Michael Jackson album is called
A: Because the record company execs couldn't spell "Androgynous".
Yugoslavian ceasefire [noun]:
Unit of time, roughly equal to the time it take to reload a gun.
WOMEN OF THE WORLD .... RISE FROM THE BEDS OF YOUR OPPRESSORS ......
.... AND MAKE US BREAKFAST
For centuries, two nude statues, one male and one female, have been
standing together in a city park. One day, a fairy god mother appears and
grants the statues one hour of life, out of pity for their plight. After
coming to life the statues smile slyly and gaze lustfully at each others
nude body. The male statue motions the female statue toward some nearby
bushes and hand in hand they disappear. A short time later, laughing,
giggling, and panting is heard coming from the bushes and in about 15
minutes both statues emerge, with huge smiles on their faces. The female
statue looks lovingly at the male statue and says, "Boy that was
fantastic, I've been waiting to do that for a hundred years."
The male statue replies, "Yes you were great, but this time you hold the
pigeons down and I'll shit on them."
One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers when God Himself comes
down from heaven to listen to them. Then sitting on the Pope's bed, He
says, "Listen, you've been a such good Pope and devoted follower that I'm
going to grant you any wish you'd like."
The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he can't think
of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing that really gets
to him. "As you know God," he says, "I'm very attached to my country of
origin. And one thing that really irritates me sometimes is all those
stupid Polish Jokes."
"No problem," says God magnanimously. "From this moment on, there shall
be no more Polish jokes." Smiling, he says, "Listen, I have to be getting
back to heaven, but before I take off, is there anything else I can do?"
The Pope thinks and thinks, finally comes out with it. "Abolish M & M's,"
he pronounces. "M & M's?" says God. "Gee, I've always thought they were
harmless enough, melting in your mouth and all ... but I'll be glad to
abolish them if it really means a lot to you."
"Well you see," says the Pope, "I'm not getting any younger and it's
getting harder and harder to peel them."
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If i don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to
lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two
stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking car."